D'oh

What is going on?  Is the Earth spinning backwards or something?

I don't know about anyone else, but I am feeling completely off and just -- wrong.

The scale didn't budge this week... not an ounce one way or another.  I know I'm lacking in the effort department right now, but seriously?  I haven't been binging on junk food or anything, either.

I have been really sick.  Celiac-related sick.  I was up for almost two hours last night, doubled over in gastrointestinal distress.  My Jason helped me run through everything I consumed all weekend -- no gluten that we could identify.  Possibly I have been into a hidden gluten source, or (probably?), my body is still trying to heal from all the damage that's been done to it.

My psoriasis has been especially bad these past few days -- which is probably linked to my celiac flare-up.  (Both disorders are autoimmune-related).

I'm showing many symptoms of Sjögren's Syndrome, which is another autoimmune condition strongly linked to celiac disease.

Allow me just this one moment of self-pity --

This sucks.  Really bad.  Sigh, woe is me, and whatnot.

I need to get into the fighting spirit.  I know I can shake this!  It's GO TIME.

Healthy You Update #3

Man, I hate it when I wake up in the morning and don't feel like P. Diddy!  I haven't been waking up feeling good at all.  Actually, it's generally been an "off" week.

Let's see.  I gained weight (and not just a fraction of a pound -- a whole pound!)  I sucked at drinking water, we didn't set up the weight machine, and I'm way off from my weigh-in goal.  I did take our new puppy, Piper, for lots of walks -- but she's so excited about smelling! peeing! pooping! sniffing! barking! chasing the bugs! peeing some more! that the walks weren't exactly great exercise.

I hate having celiac disease, and I hate that I allowed myself to binge on gluten so badly last week.  I am really, really sick again today (and was yesterday, too).  Why did I do this to myself?  Stomach cramping, aching muscles, headaches, psoriasis flare-ups, and dehydration don't particularly make me feel like working out -- or even being healthy for that matter.  Right now, I want to curl up under my desk and cry.

I'm not setting any particular goals for myself this week.  I just want to get this train back on the tracks and get myself feeling better.

Blah.

I hope everyone else had a good week!  I say, let's make this one good!

Sabotage

I have a confession to make.

This is so bad.

I have been eating gluten.

Not a lot -- not enough to make me feel sick immediately after eating -- but enough.  Even a trace of gluten is too much for a celiac.

I don't know what my major malfunction is on this one.  I know I shouldn't be nibbling on my daughter's french fries, I know I need to avoid the mini breadsticks from the pizza parlor, I know better than to grab a croissant from the gas station on my way to work.  I can definitely tell the difference in how I feel.  In other words, I've felt like crap the past couple of days, and I know it's because I've been giving myself permission to slowly poison myself.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The problem is, I can't seem to stop.  One little french fry seems so harmless... even when it turns into two, three, or even ten.  But continue that gluten consumption over the next few days, and it becomes too much.  Way too much.

Part of my problem is, I haven't found the "good" gluten-free products yet.  Most of the gluten-free options I've sampled taste plain nasty, if they have any flavor at all.  And because gluten is the "glue" that holds many foods together, when it's removed from the recipe, the dish just turns out wrong.

Another barrier is that I don't have any celiac or gluten intolerant connections.  I don't have anyone to talk to who relates to and understands what it feels like to have celiac disease; to be told that you can never, ever eat gluten again.  (I'm a super big baby on this point, because food as always been like a comfort blanket to me.  A bad day could easily be remedied by a nice, comforting bowl of Noodles & Co. Wisconsin Mac and Cheese.  Now, I can't turn to my old comforts anymore -- and it's making my anxiety level skyrocket!)

The good (bad?) news is, I feel completely miserable now.  I feel like I did before I went gluten-free in the first place, which is pretty darn crappy.  I'm hoping that feeling miserable will be enough to remind me to eat healthily and to treat myself well.

Because I deserve it.

Celiac Lady

CELIAC LADY
By Aldo Kraas

I feel so sorry
For the celiac lady
That lives in the hotel
With her cat called
Frisky
I am sure that
The celiac lady loves her cat
And I know that the celiac lady
Can't eat everything
Because of her celiac disease

Healthy You Update #1

I am now officially recognized by the Healthy You Challenge! I'm new to the community aspect of blogging, but so far am enjoying myself. It's truly inspiring to read about other people's experiences and successes -- weight loss is difficult but possible, and it's nice to know that people are backing me on this (and that I can make a difference by supporting others, too!)

That said, this past week has been emotionally and physically challenging. It's been just over a week since I ate my last trace of gluten (accidentally), and with each day that passes, I'm feeling (physically) better. The disappointing factor is that I won't feel 100% normal until every last ounce of gluten has left my system -- and gluten is stored in fat cells, so as I continue to lose weight, gluten will be slowly released. It acts as a toxin or poison, so I can look forward to some icky days until I'm truly "clean." I've been under a lot of emotional strain, and my doctor has suggested that I try seeing a health psychologist, who could help me process my diagnosis. I'm open to this idea, but I'd like to come to terms with having celiac disease on my own first.

I gained weight at my weigh-in on Sunday, but less than half a pound. The gain may also be due to girly-related bloating. Out of curiosity, I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 193.2 -- so at least we're heading in the right direction.

My goals for the week:

• Drink at least 70 ounces of water each day
• Go for (at least) a 15-minute walk each work day
• Get husband to help me set up the weight machine
• Accomplish (at least) 90 minutes of aerobic exercise
• Weight goal for next weigh-in:  191.5 lbs

I want my goals to be challenging but reasonable.  Baby steps.  These goals push my present routine, but shouldn't be too difficult.  I need to see change so that I can kick my excitement and motivation into high gear!

Have a great and successful week, everyone!

PMS Monster

The office smells like buttery pancakes and syrup, and how the hell is that fair to those of us (which, admittedly, is a minority here) who are watching what we eat?  It's hard enough to stick to your guns when people aren't forcing delightful scents up your nostrils!  Well, you pancake-bringers are enablers, and you're not taking me with you (today), so ha!  I say "ha!" at you and your delicious, breakfast goodness!

(Actually, this is kind of like torture.  It's smelled sooo good in here since 7:30 a.m., and I've been fighting off cravings all morning).

I weighed in on Sunday.  Still 193.0 lbs., although I did hit 192.6 at some point during the week.  At least it's not a gain, but I've had very little appetite all week, so it's very disappointing to see the scale stall after a whole week of eating like a saint.  My biggest sin was snacking on a gluten-free chocolate chip cookie -- only 160 calories!

At this point, I'm pretty sure that all of my troubles can be accounted for by the dreaded PMS Monster:

• Little/no energy for "silly things like exercise"
• Bloating (hopefully 1-2 pounds' worth)
• Salt cravings (hello, salsa and corn chips!)
• Taking my irritability out on pancake-eating co-workers via a passive-aggressive blog
• Tearfulness (when I think about all of the amazing foods I can't eat anymore)
• Feeling important enough to post a blog about the PMS Monster

So my plan is to defeat this mini-success-plateau before it turns into a six-week-long-plateau-of-no-weight-change-that-makes-you-cranky-enough-that-you-binge-then-fall-off-the-wagon kind of deal.

Despite the humidity, I'm going for a walk on my 15-minute break this afternoon.  I shall return a sweaty triumph, and then I'll drink a ton of water, and it'll be amazing.  Maybe I'll even walk up the 8 flights of stairs to my cubie!  Hmm... that's a big maybe.  Or maybe I'll walk up 4 flights instead, and take the elevator the other half of the way.  Baby steps!

On the gluten-free front (for those of you who are playing along at home), I continue to learn as I go.  I accidentally "got glutened" on Friday night and spent most of the weekend wallowing in gassy, crampy agony on the couch.  I saw my doctor again on Monday, and she agreed that I seem to be responding generally well to the elimination diet.  They drew blood to run the celiac panel, and they're running a slew of other tests "just to be on the safe side."

I'm SO DONE with being sick all of the time and frequent trips to the clinic.  I'm hoping for some conclusive answers so I can get on with my life.

From the Gut

The drive home from work is torture -- even if you don't have gluten intolerance!  In a matter of blocks, I pass McDonald's, Wendy's, Milio's, Popeye's, Noodles & Co., Culver's, Hardee's, and four gas stations full of delicious donuts and various junk foods.  Yesterday was especially rough.  My mouth watered with each restaurant I passed, especially at the McDonald's, where posters of ice cream and chilled drinks plastered the windows.  Nom nom nom gluten goodness!

Okay, but the point is, I was good.  I drove on past and went home to my grilled chicken breast and green beans.  Later, I even rewarded myself for my good behavior with a small chocolate bar... except it was so sweet that it hurt my teeth, and I only ate two of the five segments.  Go me!

Problem:  I got sick again last night.  Celiac Disease for Dummies states that "your indigestions, bloating, flatulence, and diarrhea will likely start to ease within a few weeks."  Ouch.  I've been bouncing back faster and faster, but a bought if "illness" still knocks me down a few pegs and makes me feel like crap (no pun intended).

I'm determined to make the most of this, though, and today is a good day.  Despite the rain and all the fancy-pants work ladies who came prepared with umbrellas (but not me).  Despite the ick last night and this morning.  Despite being here at work, while I day dream of being holed up at home, tucked in and warm on the couch with the A/C going.  Today is what it is -- and that's just okay with me right now.

Every Wednesday, there's a small farmer's market right outside of my work.  I love seeing the sights on my breaks!  Today, I gifted myself a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers.  They're on my desk, doing an excellent job of making me smile.

I also picked up a gluten-free brownie from Silly Yak Bakery, my new FAVORITE STORE EVER.  They have mastered the art of baking gluten-free, and I highly recommend their products to anyone and everyone -- gluten intolerance or not!

Best.  Brownie.  Ever.

My goal for today is to drink copious amounts of water.  The scale read 194 this morning, but (besides two little pieces of chocolate and my devious brownie this morning) I've been meticulous about eating strictly clean.  My body is just happier and more cooperative when it's fully-hydrated.

Oh, and if I ever stop with the stomach upset, I might be able to get a real work-out in.  I tried to last night, but didn't get much accomplished for reasons that should be rather obvious.  < Insert witty joke about self here >  Har, har, har!

A Gluten-Free Me

Long story short, I learned on July 1, 2010, that I am gluten intolerant.  The doctor I saw on Thursday suggested trying an elimination diet to rule out any other food allergies, but my symptoms have completely resolved since eliminating wheat and gluten products from my diet.  I either have celiac disease (which my doctor stated is the most probable case) or a severe wheat/gluten allergy.

I'll be tested eventually to determine whether or not I have celiac disease (better to know, I guess), but right now my number one priority is learning how to live gluten-free, which is something I will probably have to do for the rest of my life.

I've been on an emotional roller-coaster.  The optimistic side of me is ecstatic, because now I'm forced to stick to a rigid diet.  Unless I want to make myself very sick, I can't go for the junky snacks that have always held me back in the past.

At the same time, I feel... angry.  Cheated.  Alone.  I've been trying to be patient with myself, because I've even been getting angry with myself for feeling the way I do.  I feel selfish, because I'm actually very lucky!  My support system is still there, helping me as I find my feet again.  My husband has done loads of research about what I can and can't eat, and is already better at de-coding food labels than I am.

I've been trying to focus on one very important fact -- I feel better now than I have in months!  It's amazing how quickly my symptoms resolved when I removed gluten from my diet, but apparently this is very normal.

Another "silver lining" -- the weight has been falling off.  The scale read 192.6 pounds this morning!

There's definitely a learning curve here; I made myself sick on Saturday after eating French salad dressing and barbecue sauce (both of which are thickened with gluten-products -- who knew?!).  Most lipsticks contain gluten, as do "lickable envelopes."  I'm overwhelmed with information, but I'm sorting it out as quickly as I can.  One step at a time.  Despite all of this, I'm still convinced that good things are happening!

Photo Credit:  "Celiacs Do It Gluten Free" image is from Healthline.com.